Tag: fear

“I’m Not Negative, I’m Realistic!”

I used to think, “I’m not negative, I ‘m just realistic.”

What a bunch of B.S.

The reality was, I was a negative person. I told myself this lie so much I actually believed it.

All being negative ever got me was a host of stress and resentments, and lost hours of my life dwelling on how things should be. Pointing out how things should be, and not offering any solutions or help with how things really were just pushed people away. Or they felt sorry for me, and that was even worse because I can’t stand it when people pity me.

Negativity is a vicious cycle I wouldn’t wish on anyone, that’s why it’s been so vital to my recovery to be positive. I no longer believe people who are positive are ignorant and unrealistic. They seem to have found a way to deal with living in the world the way the world really is, and have found a way to be happy about it.

Happy , joyous, and free…

Since I wanted what they had, I decided to emulate what they do. Positive people seem much more open-minded and have the ability to view things from several different viewpoints allowing them to see what’s going on in a much broader sense.

  • They don’t worry as much.
  • They possess empathy.
  • They are helpful.
  • People like them.
  • They are grateful, not resentful.

Since I’ve started trying to be more positive, not only has my overall mood improved, but my health has too! I have more energy and don’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore.

That’s the power of positive thinking!

If anything, I’ve realized positivity allows me to be more realistic. There is more than one way to skin a cat, so to speak, so in reality it’s the negative thinking that is unrealistic.

 

~Thanks for reading,

LC

 

10 Steps on How to Get (and Stay) Positive

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
~Anais Nin

A place of positivity may seem like an unachievable dream, especially during hard times, but it’s not impossible. A positive mindset can be developed over time, and it is well worth the effort. For some it can mean the difference between life and death…

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”
~Marcus Aurelius

 

  1. Open Your Mind

An open mind is essential to gaining a positive mindset. This has enabled me to view people, places, and things from different viewpoints. From there I’ve been more able to see the positive in a negative situation.

An opportunity may present itself if I take the time to look at something from a different perspective.

 

2. Cultivate Positive Influences

  • Who do I spend the most time with?
  • Are my friends upbeat and positive, or do they mope and complain?
  • Are the situations I find myself in inspiring and uplifting, or sad, dull, or mundane?
  • What kind of TV shows do I watch? What books do I read? What do I look at on the internet?
  • What can I do to change this?

Garbage in = Garbage out. What I feed my mind affects my mood. Just like eating healthy foods is important for a healthy body, what I feed your mind affects my soul. I deserve to treat myself right.

 

3. Remember “The Pause”

If things are moving too fast and getting stressful, I slow down, take a step back, and breathe deep. Stress leads to negativity and can also be detrimental to my health. I take care of myself first. It’s easier to think through a difficult situation when I’m calm. I take a moment to refocus.

 

4. Practice Random Acts of Kindness

Nothing cheers me up quite like doing something nice for someone else, especially when it’s unexpected. If I can add value to someone else’s life, my positivity expands tenfold! When I treat people the way I like to be treated, even if I’m not in the greatest mood myself that day, it comes back to me, and positivity is spread throughout the whole day. The seeds I plant are what I will reap.

 

5. Sleep and exercise

This comes back to self-care. If I’m tired and cranky I’m not taking care of myself and it will eventually manifest into a whirlwind of negativity. I try to set myself up for success every day, and taking care of my body is a big part of this daily routine.

 

6. Constructive Criticism is Good

I don’t take it personally when someone criticizes me. Unless they have some malicious intent (in which case that’s on them, not my problem), I take it in a healthy way with an open mind.

I ask myself:

Criticism can be a very good thing with the right mindset. It can open up new possibilities I may not have noticed before. It’s good to have an open line of communication and back-and-forth with someone else. It helps keep my ego in check.

 

7. Set the Tone for the Day in the Morning

I have a morning routine which includes meditation and gratitude. I actually begin my day the night before by making sure I get to bed in time to get enough sleep. Long gone are the days I burn the candle at both ends, and I will never go back to that. I like my life too much now to go back to that dark place.

Next I do a quick set of push-ups, squats, or if I have time, a quick walk or jog around the block. Just something to get my blood pumping. And coffee.

The gratitude list is what helps me the most. That is my number one way to start off my day. If I only have time for one thing, it’s the gratitude list.

 

8. Be Mindful Throughout the Day

I try not to focus on the past or future, but on the task at hand. When I catch my mind wandering into worry or regret, I quickly re-center and move on. It takes practice, but it make a big difference. Resentments, anger, and fear fuel negativity. I must be mindful when my thoughts drift in that direction.

 

9. Avoid Negative People

Not all negative people are avoidable, but I don’t have to engage with them. I won’t let them be in my head for too long, and I refuse to entertain them for long either. I move on as quickly as possible. I refuse to let them live rent free in my head.

 

10. Only Compare Myself to Who I Used to Be, Not to Other People

  • Have I improved my life over the last several years? Yes I have.
  • Is my life as good as my neighbors? Who cares?

A sure-fire way for me to fall into the vortex of negativity is to start comparing myself to other people. The only person I need to compare myself to is me. Worrying about trying to be as good as or better than others leads down the road to selfishness, anger, and self-hatred. The opposites of positivity.

 

Kindness matters. When I spread happiness and joy to others and it is returned to me. This is my experience.

Acceptance matters. When I choose acceptance over expectation I tend to stay more in the positive. This is my experience.

Gratitude matters. When I focus on what I have as opposed to what I don’t, my life gets better. This is my experience.

 

“Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.

~Henri Nouwen

 

 

~Thanks for reading,

LC

 

 

What can I learn from failure?

The line between success and failure is not always black and white. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of perspective. A process that fails for one aspect of life might be the perfect process when applied to something else.

A realistic approach rather than an idealist approach can sometimes help to see the difference between success and failure a little more clearly. Just because something didn’t work out perfectly doesn’t mean it didn’t work out at all.

Sometimes we have to look a little harder for the silver lining…

What can I learn from failure?

Think about Thomas Edison. He didn’t view all the times his lightbulbs didn’t work as failures, he figured he just found a lot of ways that don’t work. He learned from his mistakes and eventually found success.

He had a positive mindset.

I, too, can study the mistakes I made that caused a failure and learn from them so I don’t make them again. Learning is always a positive experience in the long run, even if it stings a little, or a lot, at first.

Failure shows me what doesn’t work so I can move on. As long as I look at failure practically instead of personally, failure can actually be an asset, a wonderful tool for learning.

How can I turn failure into a positive experience?

Failure doesn’t mean I’m bad, or weak, or stupid, or incompetent, it simply means something I did didn’t work. It means I’m human.

It means I have an opportunity to learn and grow.

It means I had an experience that will make me stronger and wiser.

It means I get to try again, this time with more experience and knowledge.

Failure does not define who I am.

A failure doesn’t remain unchanging unless I let it. As long as I can learn from mistakes and keep moving forward, failure will not define me as a person.

If I give up after a failure, that is what defines me. Only if I dwell on the failure, and never move on, will I be defined by failure. It’s all about how I recover and the action steps I take to correct a wrong that will define me.

Not the failure itself.

Failure is not an end all and be all.

It can be changed.

~Thanks for reading,

LC

Expectation Vs. Acceptance

What is Expectation?

The dictionary defines expectation as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future; A belief that someone will or should achieve something.”

For me expectation goes hand-in-hand with manipulation and the forcing of my will. Often times it also leads to disappointment. When things go as I expect, great! If they don’t, however, I need to shift into acceptance.

Expectations can sometimes be selfish motives. Sometimes they are just dreams that have been warped into a false sense of reality. When expectations aren’t met disappointment, fear, and anger soon follow…

There’s a saying, “Expect the unexpected”. In my case it’s been for important for me to learn to “Accept the unexpected”. It can be hard when things don’t go as expected. I’ve learned that nothing in life is guaranteed until it’s in the past.

I try to play out alternate scenarios in my head in case things do go awry. That way I’m not as disappointed or angry when they do. When the unexpected happens I quickly look at what I’m grateful for in life. This helps keep me from going down the rabbit hole of worry and despair. If it’s something I can’t do anything about, I have no choice but to accept it, or adapt, because for me, it’s the better alternative. The way I see it is I have three choices: Accept it, adapt to it, or waste my time fighting it to no avail.

What is Acceptance?

The dictionary defines acceptance as “the willingness to tolerate an unpleasant or difficult situation.”

This is a different definition than the one I originally subscribed to, which is, “Agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation.”

I always thought I had to agree with something in order to accept it. Turns out this is not the case. When I think about accepting things by order of this new definition, I find unpleasant and difficult situations to be more bearable. It’s all about perspective.

An attitude of acceptance benefits me by helping keep my mindset in the positive. This has a direct effect on my serenity. It helps keep feelings of disappointment at bay. Knowing that things will work out, and keeping an open mind for when they don’t go as planned helps keep me from entering that awful downward spiral of worry, remorse, regret, and anger.

By keeping my mindset in the positive I’m better able to see different viewpoints and perspectives, and I’m able to see when expectations aren’t met there can be alternatives just as viable if I open my mind. Again, it’s all about perspective.

For me, acceptance goes with positivity, and it helps keep me active and engaged in life at a level that makes arduous times more tolerable. It takes away the fear component and allows me to view things more objectively.

The Difference

In my life, the difference between expectation and acceptance is the difference between anger and happiness. Angst and peace. Self-will and open-mindedness. Idealism and reality.

Do I want to be right? Or do I want to be happy?

I’ve had to learn to accept and adapt to the world as it really is because in reality, things seldom turn out as expected. Sometimes they turn out better, sometimes worse. My happiness, I’ve discovered, comes from the journey, not the destination. The learning and growing involved with the journey come from action, not from paralyzation from fear of the unexpected.

I’ve had to go through a lot of pain and soul searching to realize that acceptance is much better suited for my inner peace and overall happiness than relying on expectations to come true.

 

~Thanks for reading
LC

 

 

**Go back to #4 and #6 after Acceptance

The Power of “The Pause”

Somewhere in my recovery I learned about a powerful tool that I like to call The Pause. I figured out, with some help, that I didn’t always need to reply with a quick snarky answer, or any answer at all in some cases. The Pause has kept me out of a lot of trouble since I started using it…

The trouble with it is actually remembering to use it. In the heat of the moment it’s easy for me to just blurt something out that may or may not be helpful or kind. I keep practicing though, pausing before I speak or act out, and it is now becoming almost second nature.

I try to ask myself and answer the 3 questions guaranteed to keep me in line:

1. Does it need to be said?

2. Does it need to be said now?

3. Does it need to be said by me?

When I’m irritated at a person or situation, the answer to all three of these questions is usually “no.” I can save myself a lot of grief later by utilizing The Pause and keeping my mouth shut now. The same principle can be applied to actions, not just words.

Another helpful set of questions I can ask myself before speaking that has been shared with me is T.H.I.N.K.

1. Is it True?

2. Is it Helpful?

3. Is it Inspiring?

4. Is it Necessary?

5. Is it Kind?

Practicing The Pause has helped make me a better person, and happier as well. It has enabled me to open my mind to other ideas because I’m not using my brain to quickly come up with a quick retort or snappy comeback.

The Pause has been an essential tool in my spiritual toolkit. It has saved me from having to make thousands of apologies and amends for my words and actions, and I’m sure it can do the same for you.

Just practice.

~Thanks for reading
LC

Anger is a Luxury I Can’t Afford

Time is money.

When I think of all the time I’ve wasted over the years being angry at people and situations, I get even angrier. I’ve literally wasted several hours in a day many times just sitting and fuming over things I’m mad about.

Is it productive? No.

Is it helpful? No.

Does it make me feel better? No.

Does it make my life better? No.

Is it justified? Yes!! No.

I can’t control how other people act but I can control how much space they take up in my head and my own actions. Anger, to me, is related to fear. Many times when I’m angry, it’s usually because something didn’t go my way, which plays into my fears.

Fear of rejection or failure. Fear of things not working out. Ego, jealousy,  worry, the list could go on…

Anger takes a lot of time. Wouldn’t my time be better spent thinking about things I’m grateful for and people I love?

Acceptance and the ability to move on, and not let people live rent free in my head for too long, are paramount to my recovery and personal growth. I can guarantee you the people I’m angry with usually have no idea just how much power they have over me and how I spend my time obsessing over them. And I can guarantee they are not wasting their valuable time thinking about me.

So why do I do it? Why do I waste my time obsessing over people and things I have no control over? When there is an assault on my sense of self (ego), it affects my self esteem, which can send me into a downward spiral of self pity and self degradation. In this spiral, I get to control what is said about me, and I get to control the outcome in my own head, even if it isn’t even true or even possible.

I can also turn it around.. I can choose to accept the reality of my anger, adapt to it, and acknowledge it from a more practical point of view. A viewpoint that is not self-centered.

I can remember the serenity prayer:

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

These days, as the result of LOTS of practice, I’m much more aware of when I begin that downward spiral and I know how to take action to reverse it as soon as possible.

I don’t have time for anger. I choose to be grateful for what I do have.

I choose health and happiness.

 

~Thanks for reading
LC

Am I Still Learning?

I remember back when I knew everything. It actually wasn’t all that long ago…

I didn’t need to listen to anyone because I had all the answers. When I asked you a question I already knew the answer, I just wanted to see if you would lie to me.

I had a closed mind and there was nothing anyone could tell me that would, or could, change my mind.

Because I was right and I knew everything.

It turned out, much to my surprise, that I in fact did NOT have all the answers. That there actually were people out there who knew more than me. This realization made me feel like a fool.

I was worthless and stupid. The most worthless and the most stupid person on the planet. Of all time, living or dead. There was no one worse than me.

My ego had me thinking I was all or nothing. Never in the middle.

I was at the end of my journey. I had stopped learning. I had hit my bottom.

The good thing about hitting bottom is, there’s nowhere to go but up. Or die. I was so convinced I was so worthless that I couldn’t even possibly get suicide right so I chose to go up.

I chose life.

I chose to listen rather than speak.

I chose to open my mind.

I chose to learn all I could about how to improve my life.

And then I took action.

Every day I choose to expand my mind and explore views other than my own. I choose to be a worker among workers and a friend among friends rather than let my ego dictate that I should be at the top of the heap. Because I know that will just end up with me feeling like I’m at the bottom. Under the heap.

I choose learning over fear of the unknown. I accept and adapt to situations rather than force my will.

I choose joy and happiness over fear and anger. I choose gratitude over resentment.

What will I learn tomorrow?

~Thanks for reading
LC

Set Yourself Up for Success

The best way I’ve found to set up my day for success is found in my morning routine. After I make my coffee (first things first haha..), I think about the day ahead, what needs to be done when, and set my priorities.

I make a list of things and/or people I’m grateful for. This helps to keep me balanced and humble rather that resentful towards things I don’t have and people I don’t particularly care for.

I remind myself that things don’t always go as planned and tell myself to be ready to adapt to any changes that might arise.

I make sure I eat something. Healthy is best, but in a time crunch that’s not always an option. As long as I have something in my stomach to keep me from getting “hangry”, I can make it until I have time to prepare something better.

I get still and quiet, and practice deep breathing and meditation for 8 minutes, where I try to clear my mind and bring myself back to center. This was very difficult when I first started out. My mind would still be racing after the full 8 minutes, but after a lot of practice it got easier to calm my mind. If I don’t have time for the full 8 minutes I do less, but I do a minimum of 10 full deep breaths where I focus solely on my breath, the flow of air in and out. I find when I do this I have a much easier time with the things that go wrong during the day.

I also remind myself to pause if I become irritated. I remind myself that I can restart my day at any time. I try to work with things rather than against them. When I try to force my will upon situations rather than adapt to them it always leads to a bad day.

I remind myself to be kind to everyone even if I think they don’t deserve it. I remind myself to think of others and to be helpful rather than selfish and self-centered.

What can I do for others? What can I pack into the stream of life?

I look at where I went wrong the day before and try to take corrective measures to amend that behavior. This takes a lot of practice..

I remind myself that it’s ok to not be perfect. Not just for myself, but other people too. This also takes a lot of practice..

I don’t dwell on worry or remorse. When I do I’m not useful to others. I try to focus on the next indicated thing.

I remind myself to not dwell on fear but to direct my attention to love, tolerance, and acceptance.

When I do all these things I set myself up for success and even if my day doesn’t go as planned, it’s still a good day.

And lastly, I remind myself that a great attitude becomes a great mood. Which becomes a great day. Which becomes a great year. Which becomes a great life.

~Thanks for reading,

LC

Fear: What it Means to Me

“If you want small changes in your life, work on your attitude. If you want big and primary changes, work on your paradigm.” – Stephen Covey

 

When I was a little girl, I had no fear. I didn’t know anything about the consequences of my actions. When I failed, I tried again. I didn’t worry what other people thought. I was like a sponge, learning every day, making discoveries, making mistakes, and learning from them.

Think about it, when you’re a child learning to walk, you’re going to fall. That failure isn’t going to scare you into giving up You just do it again. And again, and again. You don’t worry about what other people think, you just keep doing it until you learn. It’s built in. You haven’t been taught fear yet.

As we grow older, fear begins to creep in. Outside influences slowly begin to mold our personalities and behaviors, and take a major role in how we formulate our opinions. We aren’t even aware this is happening.

We learn about worry.

We learn about responsibility.

We learn about consequences.

We develop habits. Some good, some bad.

We form relationships. Some good, some bad.

If you’re reading this, you probably got to a point in your life where you realized what you’ve been doing and how you’ve been living your life doesn’t feel right anymore.

You need something to change.

That’s what happened to me.

I drank so much my brain felt like mush.

I was overweight.

I could be really mean sometimes, even to the people I  love the most.

I had no drive, no ambition. I was stuck in a daily cycle that didn’t include anything related to self-development or self-improvement, only self-loathing and self-destruction.

I surrounded myself with like-minded people, and together we dwelt in our “happy” toxic world where we all  judged other people, hated those who were successful or physically fit, and anyone else who wasn’t as miserable as us. I acted as if I didn’t care what other people thought, but deep down I really did, and I hated myself for what I had become.

I had all these dreams and grand ideas but I never took any action, never had any follow through.

Never once did I ask a successful person how they did it. I just sat back and would growl to myself, “Must be nice..” Never once did I think about what it took for that person to be where they are today or how much work they must’ve put in to get there.

Fear had completely engulfed me and I either didn’t know it, or I just didn’t accept it and ignored it.

Fear had me in its mighty grip, grasping tighter every day.

Fear of financial problems.

Fear of my health.

Fear of disappointment.

Fear of acceptance.

Fear of life.

No fear of death, though. I had truly gotten to a place where I didn’t care if I lived or died.

 

Today I don’t let fear rule any aspect of my life.

I’m working on going back to that no fear mentality I had as a small child.

I’m comfortable with my body. It’s not picture-perfect, but I’m not overweight anymore.

I love learning new concepts and sharing what I’ve learned in the hopes of helping others achieve a better quality of life.

I’m not afraid of being wrong or failing anymore. I look at failure as an asset. Something to build on.

I don’t fear my financial situation anymore. It’s still not ideal but I’ve taken steps to educate myself on budgeting and saving for retirement. I’ve shifted my focus on what I can gain later rather than instant gratification.

I quit drinking and wasting time in a bar with the people I thought were my friends. They were really just acquaintances who had the same fears as me, and we just fed off of each other. We were in the same downward spiral pulling each other further and further down.

Turns out, they don’t even miss me. No one from that part of my life ever calls me to ask where I am. They don’t care.

I’ve started forming more healthy relationships with people who have what I want out of life. People who pick each other up instead of judging and putting people down.

I’ve traded negativity for positivity.

I read every day instead of watching TV.

I exercise every day.

I research every day.

I write and brainstorm every day.

I learn every day.

I improve just a little bit every day, and since I’ve made that change, my life has improved immeasurably!

I’m not afraid to try new things, I’m not afraid of change. Change is inevitable. Now that I’ve gotten more comfortable with the concept of change, I no longer fear it.

Change for the better is a good thing, and change for the worse is a learning experience. Which is a good thing.

In order to change your life you have to change your paradigms. In order to change your paradigms, you have to change your attitude.

I’ve found that it’s much easier and more efficient to change myself than it is to change everyone and everything around me, to suit me.

To have a better life, it takes work. But it’s totally worth it!

Don’t give in to fear.

Take action! Change your inner circle of friends if you need to. Nothing is more important than your personal well being. Because without that, you can’t be helpful to anyone else.

 

Thanks for reading ~ LC