Appreciation not Expectation

I’ve learned that when I lower my expectations and appreciate what I do have, I keep my sanity and serenity intact.

I used to expect a lot from people, especially at work. I thought if I knew how to do something, they should too. AND, they should do it the same way I do. Then, I would get angry if they didn’t. It was a recipe for a stressful day and a stressful way of life. I now view people who annoy me, or are just plain mean, as spiritual growth providers.

Now I try to find ways to be appreciative even when things aren’t going the way I think they should. I try to see things from other people’s points of view and try to discover alternative ways of doing things.

I love learning new ideas.

I’ve discovered when I practice appreciation instead of expectation I don’t feel anger or disappointment. When I appreciate, I feel satisfied with what I’ve got and can then have a clear mind to work out whatever changes might need to be made for the future, as opposed to dwelling on the negative and how I wish I could change the past.

I can’t change the past. So I might as well focus on the future.

A wise woman once told me (today, actually), if I’m going to fall, fall forward, not backward.

I’m also learning (it takes practice, I’m still working on it..) to stop projecting my knowledge and fear on other people. I can’t reasonably expect people to know what I know unless I tell them.

And I can’t know for sure what they think of me unless they tell me.

~Thanks for reading

LC

“I’m Not Negative, I’m Realistic!”

I used to think, “I’m not negative, I ‘m just realistic.”

What a bunch of B.S.

The reality was, I was a negative person. I told myself this lie so much I actually believed it.

All being negative ever got me was a host of stress and resentments, and lost hours of my life dwelling on how things should be. Pointing out how things should be, and not offering any solutions or help with how things really were just pushed people away. Or they felt sorry for me, and that was even worse because I can’t stand it when people pity me.

Negativity is a vicious cycle I wouldn’t wish on anyone, that’s why it’s been so vital to my recovery to be positive. I no longer believe people who are positive are ignorant and unrealistic. They seem to have found a way to deal with living in the world the way the world really is, and have found a way to be happy about it.

Happy , joyous, and free…

Since I wanted what they had, I decided to emulate what they do. Positive people seem much more open-minded and have the ability to view things from several different viewpoints allowing them to see what’s going on in a much broader sense.

They don’t worry as much.
They possess empathy.
They are helpful.
People like them.
They are grateful, not resentful.

Since I’ve started trying to be more positive, not only has my overall mood improved, but my health has too! I have more energy and don’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore.

That’s the power of positive thinking!

If anything, I’ve realized positivity allows me to be more realistic. There is more than one way to skin a cat, so to speak, so in reality it’s the negative thinking that is unrealistic.

~Thanks for reading,

Don’t Dwell on Negative Thoughts – Replace Them

It’s insanely easy for me to get so wrapped up in my own head that I become paralyzed in thoughts of worry, remorse, and regret. I’ve lost hours at a time by simply sitting at my kitchen table thinking, dreading, dreaming, becoming angry or resentful about things that have never happened. I get lost in “What if” scenarios that play over and over in my mind. I never know how long one of these trips down the rabbit hole will last, but I’m learning to recognize when it’s happening and when I do, I take action.

As soon as I realize I’m entering “The Vortex” I know I need to snap out of it. Some sort of physical action is required. Sometimes I’ll shake my head a few times. I’ll stand up and roll my head around in both directions, stretch a bit, and go splash some cold water on my face. Sometimes I’ll call another person and ask how they’re doing. This helps to get me out of my own head. I just need to take some sort of action to reverse the motion and get the ball rolling in another direction.

This takes a lot of practice… Lucky for me, I get lots of opportunities to practice getting out of my own head!

That’s one way I turn a negative into a positive. I change my perspective. Another way is to recognize that once I’m in a calm thinking state, why not concentrate on deep breathing and meditation? Sometimes it’s difficult for me to calm down enough in order to be able to meditate and actually sit still, but through practice I’ve gotten pretty good at realizing when I am still, I can redirect my thoughts. Then I can…

Swap negative thoughts for positive thoughts.

Am I upset about being down?
What’s the opposite of that?
Being happy about things that make me happy?
What makes me happy?
Who are some people I really like?

This is what I ask myself when I catch myself dwelling on people I don’t like, who have pissed me off, who are living rent free in my head. What makes me even angrier is realizing I think more about people who have pissed me off than of people I love.

I know those people I’m mad at aren’t thinking about me, so why do I dwell on it?

I don’t know, but what I can do is shift my focus and thinking when I recognize it.

Where is my happy place?

Somewhere between arrogance and self-hatred. Somewhere balanced. In the middle of the heap. Calmness and serenity. If I swing too far in one direction or another, it won’t be long until I become disturbed.

A safe place where I can let grace in.

Nature.

Service.

Out of my own head.

A place of love.

~Thanks for reading

LC

Not All Decisions Have to Be Black & White, Good or Bad

I recently got passed up for a promotion. The boss told everyone through an email that another guy had been promoted and that we should all give him the respect he deserves and that he has a lot of experience. Well, I have a lot of experience as well. And where’s my respect? Why didn’t I even get a chance to apply for this new position? I’ve been there longer than anyone. Even the boss.

After utilizing “The Pause“, and taking a few deep breaths, I realized that just because the boss says this other guy has a lot of experience doesn’t mean that I don’t. My boss is a good guy, and I trust him. I also recognize this is his decision, not mine. Maybe the other guy is a better fit. They have worked together in the past. He has never specifically told me I’m not good enough so I shouldn’t put words in his mouth he never said, and I shouldn’t think I know what he’s thinking. I’ve made this mistake more than once in the past and all it did was make me miserable.

After taking offense at first, I decided to turn it over to my higher power and to not worry about it anymore. I decided not to make this a “black or white” situation. It’s not good or bad. It just is. All I can do is just continue to try and do the next right thing, and being angry and resentful about something I have no control over is a useless waste of time.

I still have my same role in a job I am very grateful to have. I don’t have to worry about where I fit in.

Now the boss is going on vacation and I have a chance to be helpful to the new second in command while he’s away. I’m glad I didn’t react the way my old self would have. A positive mindset is a powerful thing, indeed.

~Thanks for reading

LC

10 Steps on How to Get (and Stay) Positive

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
~Anais Nin

A place of positivity may seem like an unachievable dream, especially during hard times, but it’s not impossible. A positive mindset can be developed over time, and it is well worth the effort. For some it can mean the difference between life and death…

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”
~Marcus Aurelius

Open Your Mind

An open mind is essential to gaining a positive mindset. This has enabled me to view people, places, and things from different viewpoints. From there I’ve been more able to see the positive in a negative situation.

An opportunity may present itself if I take the time to look at something from a different perspective.

2. Cultivate Positive Influences

Who do I spend the most time with?
Are my friends upbeat and positive, or do they mope and complain?
Are the situations I find myself in inspiring and uplifting, or sad, dull, or mundane?
What kind of TV shows do I watch? What books do I read? What do I look at on the internet?
What can I do to change this?

Garbage in = Garbage out. What I feed my mind affects my mood. Just like eating healthy foods is important for a healthy body, what I feed your mind affects my soul. I deserve to treat myself right.

3. Remember “The Pause”

If things are moving too fast and getting stressful, I slow down, take a step back, and breathe deep. Stress leads to negativity and can also be detrimental to my health. I take care of myself first. It’s easier to think through a difficult situation when I’m calm. I take a moment to refocus.

4. Practice Random Acts of Kindness

Nothing cheers me up quite like doing something nice for someone else, especially when it’s unexpected. If I can add value to someone else’s life, my positivity expands tenfold! When I treat people the way I like to be treated, even if I’m not in the greatest mood myself that day, it comes back to me, and positivity is spread throughout the whole day. The seeds I plant are what I will reap.

5. Sleep and exercise

This comes back to self-care. If I’m tired and cranky I’m not taking care of myself and it will eventually manifest into a whirlwind of negativity. I try to set myself up for success every day, and taking care of my body is a big part of this daily routine.

6. Constructive Criticism is Good

I don’t take it personally when someone criticizes me. Unless they have some malicious intent (in which case that’s on them, not my problem), I take it in a healthy way with an open mind.

I ask myself:

Is this something I can learn from?
Can I find the positive in this?
Is there another way I can approach this?

Criticism can be a very good thing with the right mindset. It can open up new possibilities I may not have noticed before. It’s good to have an open line of communication and back-and-forth with someone else. It helps keep my ego in check.

7. Set the Tone for the Day in the Morning

I have a morning routine which includes meditation and gratitude. I actually begin my day the night before by making sure I get to bed in time to get enough sleep. Long gone are the days I burn the candle at both ends, and I will never go back to that. I like my life too much now to go back to that dark place.

Next I do a quick set of push-ups, squats, or if I have time, a quick walk or jog around the block. Just something to get my blood pumping. And coffee.

The gratitude list is what helps me the most. That is my number one way to start off my day. If I only have time for one thing, it’s the gratitude list.

8. Be Mindful Throughout the Day

I try not to focus on the past or future, but on the task at hand. When I catch my mind wandering into worry or regret, I quickly re-center and move on. It takes practice, but it make a big difference. Resentments, anger, and fear fuel negativity. I must be mindful when my thoughts drift in that direction.

9. Avoid Negative People

Not all negative people are avoidable, but I don’t have to engage with them. I won’t let them be in my head for too long, and I refuse to entertain them for long either. I move on as quickly as possible. I refuse to let them live rent free in my head.

10. Only Compare Myself to Who I Used to Be, Not to Other People

Have I improved my life over the last several years? Yes I have.
Is my life as good as my neighbors? Who cares?

A sure-fire way for me to fall into the vortex of negativity is to start comparing myself to other people. The only person I need to compare myself to is me. Worrying about trying to be as good as or better than others leads down the road to selfishness, anger, and self-hatred. The opposites of positivity.

Kindness matters. When I spread happiness and joy to others and it is returned to me. This is my experience.

Acceptance matters. When I choose acceptance over expectation I tend to stay more in the positive. This is my experience.

Gratitude matters. When I focus on what I have as opposed to what I don’t, my life gets better. This is my experience.

“Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.

~Henri Nouwen

~Thanks for reading,

Resentments, Anger, and Fear

Resentments, anger, and fear are your will working in three different periods of time: Past, present, and future.

These feelings are based on selfishness and self-centeredness.

Resentments represent your feeling based on something that happened in the past.
Anger represents your feeling on what’s happening now.
Fear represents the feeling you may not get your way in the future.

What can you do to put these bad feelings at ease?

Turn your will over to a power greater than yourself.
Practice gratitude. Be grateful for what you have. Don’t dwell on what you don’t have.
Practice the four absolutes: Honesty, Purity, Unselfishness, and Love.

I’ve found it’s impossible for me to feel resentful, angry, or fearful when I’m practicing these principles.

Give it a try… you might like it…

~Thanks for reading,

What can I learn from failure?

The line between success and failure is not always black and white. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of perspective. A process that fails for one aspect of life might be the perfect process when applied to something else.

A realistic approach rather than an idealist approach can sometimes help to see the difference between success and failure a little more clearly. Just because something didn’t work out perfectly doesn’t mean it didn’t work out at all.

Sometimes we have to look a little harder for the silver lining…

What can I learn from failure?

Think about Thomas Edison. He didn’t view all the times his lightbulbs didn’t work as failures, he figured he just found a lot of ways that don’t work. He learned from his mistakes and eventually found success.

He had a positive mindset.

I, too, can study the mistakes I made that caused a failure and learn from them so I don’t make them again. Learning is always a positive experience in the long run, even if it stings a little, or a lot, at first.

Failure shows me what doesn’t work so I can move on. As long as I look at failure practically instead of personally, failure can actually be an asset, a wonderful tool for learning.

How can I turn failure into a positive experience?

Failure doesn’t mean I’m bad, or weak, or stupid, or incompetent, it simply means something I did didn’t work. It means I’m human.

It means I have an opportunity to learn and grow.

It means I had an experience that will make me stronger and wiser.

It means I get to try again, this time with more experience and knowledge.

Failure does not define who I am.

A failure doesn’t remain unchanging unless I let it. As long as I can learn from mistakes and keep moving forward, failure will not define me as a person.

If I give up after a failure, that is what defines me. Only if I dwell on the failure, and never move on, will I be defined by failure. It’s all about how I recover and the action steps I take to correct a wrong that will define me.

Not the failure itself.

Failure is not an end all and be all.

It can be changed.

~Thanks for reading,

Expectation Vs. Acceptance

What is Expectation?

The dictionary defines expectation as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future; A belief that someone will or should achieve something.”

For me expectation goes hand-in-hand with manipulation and the forcing of my will. Often times it also leads to disappointment. When things go as I expect, great! If they don’t, however, I need to shift into acceptance.

Expectations can sometimes be selfish motives. Sometimes they are just dreams that have been warped into a false sense of reality. When expectations aren’t met disappointment, fear, and anger soon follow…

There’s a saying, “Expect the unexpected”. In my case it’s been for important for me to learn to “Accept the unexpected”. It can be hard when things don’t go as expected. I’ve learned that nothing in life is guaranteed until it’s in the past.

I try to play out alternate scenarios in my head in case things do go awry. That way I’m not as disappointed or angry when they do. When the unexpected happens I quickly look at what I’m grateful for in life. This helps keep me from going down the rabbit hole of worry and despair. If it’s something I can’t do anything about, I have no choice but to accept it, or adapt, because for me, it’s the better alternative. The way I see it is I have three choices: Accept it, adapt to it, or waste my time fighting it to no avail.

What is Acceptance?

The dictionary defines acceptance as “the willingness to tolerate an unpleasant or difficult situation.”

This is a different definition than the one I originally subscribed to, which is, “Agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation.”

I always thought I had to agree with something in order to accept it. Turns out this is not the case. When I think about accepting things by order of this new definition, I find unpleasant and difficult situations to be more bearable. It’s all about perspective.

An attitude of acceptance benefits me by helping keep my mindset in the positive. This has a direct effect on my serenity. It helps keep feelings of disappointment at bay. Knowing that things will work out, and keeping an open mind for when they don’t go as planned helps keep me from entering that awful downward spiral of worry, remorse, regret, and anger.

By keeping my mindset in the positive I’m better able to see different viewpoints and perspectives, and I’m able to see when expectations aren’t met there can be alternatives just as viable if I open my mind. Again, it’s all about perspective.

For me, acceptance goes with positivity, and it helps keep me active and engaged in life at a level that makes arduous times more tolerable. It takes away the fear component and allows me to view things more objectively.

The Difference

In my life, the difference between expectation and acceptance is the difference between anger and happiness. Angst and peace. Self-will and open-mindedness. Idealism and reality.

Do I want to be right? Or do I want to be happy?

I’ve had to learn to accept and adapt to the world as it really is because in reality, things seldom turn out as expected. Sometimes they turn out better, sometimes worse. My happiness, I’ve discovered, comes from the journey, not the destination. The learning and growing involved with the journey come from action, not from paralyzation from fear of the unexpected.

I’ve had to go through a lot of pain and soul searching to realize that acceptance is much better suited for my inner peace and overall happiness than relying on expectations to come true.

~Thanks for reading

LC

**Go back to #4 and #6 after Acceptance

Rejection as a Learning Experience

Rejection might seem like the end of the world but the sting will always pass with time. When I look at rejection from a stance of growth rather than fear, I’m better equipped to learn ways to improve myself. Rejection and failure are not so distant cousins and both provide an opportunity for learning and growth.

Fear of rejection has held me back from countless opportunities because I didn’t want to face the fact that maybe I’m not as awesome as I think I am. However, if I don’t experience rejection occasionally I won’t be able to see flaws in myself or make improvements. Lack of rejection gives me a false sense of perfection that will be damaging in the long run. How I handle rejection is imperative to my spiritual growth. It has helped make me a “grownup.”

The new opportunities rejection can bring are endless. It forces me to consider different ways of doing things, ways that could possibly be even better than before. Giving up on something just because I got rejected is not an option for me anymore. Today I choose not to sit and wallow in my unworthiness. I want to explore new possibilities. Rejection gets me back out there meeting new people, going to different places, and trying out new things. Rejection can be a blessing in disguise. It’s all about what mindset I choose to invoke when dealing with it.

If I utilize the mindset of using rejection as a learning experience rather than an attack on my ego I can gain valuable insights on who I am and how I present to the world. I can learn ways to improve how I act and what I say. I can learn new ways of doing things. Some of these may even be better than how I currently practice. Rejection doesn’t need to be feared. It’s a fact of life. Everyone experiences it. If I fear rejection I fear life, and hiding from my fears isn’t living, so it’s best for me to accept rejection and learn from it rather than fear it, because it’s happened before and it will happen again. When it happens again, I will tweak my performance and carry on. I have to remember that just because I got rejected doesn’t mean I’m “less than.” It just means I wasn’t a good fit for a particular person, place, or thing.

Acknowledge it, learn from it, let it go.

Learning how to accept rejection has been a crucial part of my personal growth. First, I had to realize rejection isn’t actually an assault on my ego. Often times rejection actually has nothing to do with me. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. I can accept rejection better by getting in the right mindset first. I have to let go of any and all expectations I have of whatever the outcome will be. If I obsess over it, the more disappointed I’ll be when I get rejected. I don’t seek a reason for the rejection. All I have to do is respect the other person’s wishes. If I get a reason, great! I can learn from it. There’s no reason to create more misery for myself or the other person by asking why. The sooner I can let it go, the sooner I can move on with my life. No need to get sucked into the vortex of resentments and fear.

I accept rejection for my own peace of mind. If I give power to rejections I am certain to be cast into a vicious downward spiral with no end in sight. If I want to be an adult I have to accept the fact that things won’t always go my way. That’s just a fact of life, and I can’t take it personally.

When facing rejection there are things I can do to ease the discomfort. I can meditate on it, ask my higher power for guidance, let it go, and move on. I can prioritize things more important than fixating on the “why” of a rejection so I can learn from it and grow into a stronger, more resilient adult.

I can now recognize that when one door closes, another opens. I shift my focus to the next right thing. Experience has taught me the more I obsess over something the more miserable I get. I take action to get out of my own head rather than dwell on “what if”.

~Thanks for reading

LC

The Power of “The Pause”

Somewhere in my recovery I learned about a powerful tool that I like to call The Pause. I figured out, with some help, that I didn’t always need to reply with a quick snarky answer, or any answer at all in some cases. The Pause has kept me out of a lot of trouble since I started using it…

The trouble with it is actually remembering to use it. In the heat of the moment it’s easy for me to just blurt something out that may or may not be helpful or kind. I keep practicing though, pausing before I speak or act out, and it is now becoming almost second nature.

I try to ask myself and answer the 3 questions guaranteed to keep me in line:

1. Does it need to be said?

2. Does it need to be said now?

3. Does it need to be said by me?

When I’m irritated at a person or situation, the answer to all three of these questions is usually “no.” I can save myself a lot of grief later by utilizing The Pause and keeping my mouth shut now. The same principle can be applied to actions, not just words.

Another helpful set of questions I can ask myself before speaking that has been shared with me is T.H.I.N.K.

1. Is it True?

2. Is it Helpful?

3. Is it Inspiring?

4. Is it Necessary?

5. Is it Kind?

Practicing The Pause has helped make me a better person, and happier as well. It has enabled me to open my mind to other ideas because I’m not using my brain to quickly come up with a quick retort or snappy comeback.

The Pause has been an essential tool in my spiritual toolkit. It has saved me from having to make thousands of apologies and amends for my words and actions, and I’m sure it can do the same for you.

Just practice.