Appreciation not Expectation

I’ve learned that when I lower my expectations and appreciate what I do have, I keep my sanity and serenity intact.

I used to expect a lot from people, especially at work. I thought if I knew how to do something, they should too. AND, they should do it the same way I do. Then, I would get angry if they didn’t. It was a recipe for a stressful day and a stressful way of life. I now view people who annoy me, or are just plain mean, as spiritual growth providers.

Now I try to find ways to be appreciative even when things aren’t going the way I think they should. I try to see things from other people’s points of view and try to discover alternative ways of doing things.

I love learning new ideas.

I’ve discovered when I practice appreciation instead of expectation I don’t feel anger or disappointment. When I appreciate, I feel satisfied with what I’ve got and can then have a clear mind to work out whatever changes might need to be made for the future, as opposed to dwelling on the negative and how I wish I could change the past.

I can’t change the past. So I might as well focus on the future.

A wise woman once told me (today, actually), if I’m going to fall, fall forward, not backward.

I’m also learning (it takes practice, I’m still working on it..) to stop projecting my knowledge and fear on other people. I can’t reasonably expect people to know what I know unless I tell them.

And I can’t know for sure what they think of me unless they tell me.

~Thanks for reading

LC

“I’m Not Negative, I’m Realistic!”

I used to think, “I’m not negative, I ‘m just realistic.”

What a bunch of B.S.

The reality was, I was a negative person. I told myself this lie so much I actually believed it.

All being negative ever got me was a host of stress and resentments, and lost hours of my life dwelling on how things should be. Pointing out how things should be, and not offering any solutions or help with how things really were just pushed people away. Or they felt sorry for me, and that was even worse because I can’t stand it when people pity me.

Negativity is a vicious cycle I wouldn’t wish on anyone, that’s why it’s been so vital to my recovery to be positive. I no longer believe people who are positive are ignorant and unrealistic. They seem to have found a way to deal with living in the world the way the world really is, and have found a way to be happy about it.

Happy , joyous, and free…

Since I wanted what they had, I decided to emulate what they do. Positive people seem much more open-minded and have the ability to view things from several different viewpoints allowing them to see what’s going on in a much broader sense.

They don’t worry as much.
They possess empathy.
They are helpful.
People like them.
They are grateful, not resentful.

Since I’ve started trying to be more positive, not only has my overall mood improved, but my health has too! I have more energy and don’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore.

That’s the power of positive thinking!

If anything, I’ve realized positivity allows me to be more realistic. There is more than one way to skin a cat, so to speak, so in reality it’s the negative thinking that is unrealistic.

~Thanks for reading,

Not All Decisions Have to Be Black & White, Good or Bad

I recently got passed up for a promotion. The boss told everyone through an email that another guy had been promoted and that we should all give him the respect he deserves and that he has a lot of experience. Well, I have a lot of experience as well. And where’s my respect? Why didn’t I even get a chance to apply for this new position? I’ve been there longer than anyone. Even the boss.

After utilizing “The Pause“, and taking a few deep breaths, I realized that just because the boss says this other guy has a lot of experience doesn’t mean that I don’t. My boss is a good guy, and I trust him. I also recognize this is his decision, not mine. Maybe the other guy is a better fit. They have worked together in the past. He has never specifically told me I’m not good enough so I shouldn’t put words in his mouth he never said, and I shouldn’t think I know what he’s thinking. I’ve made this mistake more than once in the past and all it did was make me miserable.

After taking offense at first, I decided to turn it over to my higher power and to not worry about it anymore. I decided not to make this a “black or white” situation. It’s not good or bad. It just is. All I can do is just continue to try and do the next right thing, and being angry and resentful about something I have no control over is a useless waste of time.

I still have my same role in a job I am very grateful to have. I don’t have to worry about where I fit in.

Now the boss is going on vacation and I have a chance to be helpful to the new second in command while he’s away. I’m glad I didn’t react the way my old self would have. A positive mindset is a powerful thing, indeed.

~Thanks for reading

LC

10 Steps on How to Get (and Stay) Positive

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
~Anais Nin

A place of positivity may seem like an unachievable dream, especially during hard times, but it’s not impossible. A positive mindset can be developed over time, and it is well worth the effort. For some it can mean the difference between life and death…

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”
~Marcus Aurelius

Open Your Mind

An open mind is essential to gaining a positive mindset. This has enabled me to view people, places, and things from different viewpoints. From there I’ve been more able to see the positive in a negative situation.

An opportunity may present itself if I take the time to look at something from a different perspective.

2. Cultivate Positive Influences

Who do I spend the most time with?
Are my friends upbeat and positive, or do they mope and complain?
Are the situations I find myself in inspiring and uplifting, or sad, dull, or mundane?
What kind of TV shows do I watch? What books do I read? What do I look at on the internet?
What can I do to change this?

Garbage in = Garbage out. What I feed my mind affects my mood. Just like eating healthy foods is important for a healthy body, what I feed your mind affects my soul. I deserve to treat myself right.

3. Remember “The Pause”

If things are moving too fast and getting stressful, I slow down, take a step back, and breathe deep. Stress leads to negativity and can also be detrimental to my health. I take care of myself first. It’s easier to think through a difficult situation when I’m calm. I take a moment to refocus.

4. Practice Random Acts of Kindness

Nothing cheers me up quite like doing something nice for someone else, especially when it’s unexpected. If I can add value to someone else’s life, my positivity expands tenfold! When I treat people the way I like to be treated, even if I’m not in the greatest mood myself that day, it comes back to me, and positivity is spread throughout the whole day. The seeds I plant are what I will reap.

5. Sleep and exercise

This comes back to self-care. If I’m tired and cranky I’m not taking care of myself and it will eventually manifest into a whirlwind of negativity. I try to set myself up for success every day, and taking care of my body is a big part of this daily routine.

6. Constructive Criticism is Good

I don’t take it personally when someone criticizes me. Unless they have some malicious intent (in which case that’s on them, not my problem), I take it in a healthy way with an open mind.

I ask myself:

Is this something I can learn from?
Can I find the positive in this?
Is there another way I can approach this?

Criticism can be a very good thing with the right mindset. It can open up new possibilities I may not have noticed before. It’s good to have an open line of communication and back-and-forth with someone else. It helps keep my ego in check.

7. Set the Tone for the Day in the Morning

I have a morning routine which includes meditation and gratitude. I actually begin my day the night before by making sure I get to bed in time to get enough sleep. Long gone are the days I burn the candle at both ends, and I will never go back to that. I like my life too much now to go back to that dark place.

Next I do a quick set of push-ups, squats, or if I have time, a quick walk or jog around the block. Just something to get my blood pumping. And coffee.

The gratitude list is what helps me the most. That is my number one way to start off my day. If I only have time for one thing, it’s the gratitude list.

8. Be Mindful Throughout the Day

I try not to focus on the past or future, but on the task at hand. When I catch my mind wandering into worry or regret, I quickly re-center and move on. It takes practice, but it make a big difference. Resentments, anger, and fear fuel negativity. I must be mindful when my thoughts drift in that direction.

9. Avoid Negative People

Not all negative people are avoidable, but I don’t have to engage with them. I won’t let them be in my head for too long, and I refuse to entertain them for long either. I move on as quickly as possible. I refuse to let them live rent free in my head.

10. Only Compare Myself to Who I Used to Be, Not to Other People

Have I improved my life over the last several years? Yes I have.
Is my life as good as my neighbors? Who cares?

A sure-fire way for me to fall into the vortex of negativity is to start comparing myself to other people. The only person I need to compare myself to is me. Worrying about trying to be as good as or better than others leads down the road to selfishness, anger, and self-hatred. The opposites of positivity.

Kindness matters. When I spread happiness and joy to others and it is returned to me. This is my experience.

Acceptance matters. When I choose acceptance over expectation I tend to stay more in the positive. This is my experience.

Gratitude matters. When I focus on what I have as opposed to what I don’t, my life gets better. This is my experience.

“Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.

~Henri Nouwen

~Thanks for reading,

Expectation Vs. Acceptance

What is Expectation?

The dictionary defines expectation as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future; A belief that someone will or should achieve something.”

For me expectation goes hand-in-hand with manipulation and the forcing of my will. Often times it also leads to disappointment. When things go as I expect, great! If they don’t, however, I need to shift into acceptance.

Expectations can sometimes be selfish motives. Sometimes they are just dreams that have been warped into a false sense of reality. When expectations aren’t met disappointment, fear, and anger soon follow…

There’s a saying, “Expect the unexpected”. In my case it’s been for important for me to learn to “Accept the unexpected”. It can be hard when things don’t go as expected. I’ve learned that nothing in life is guaranteed until it’s in the past.

I try to play out alternate scenarios in my head in case things do go awry. That way I’m not as disappointed or angry when they do. When the unexpected happens I quickly look at what I’m grateful for in life. This helps keep me from going down the rabbit hole of worry and despair. If it’s something I can’t do anything about, I have no choice but to accept it, or adapt, because for me, it’s the better alternative. The way I see it is I have three choices: Accept it, adapt to it, or waste my time fighting it to no avail.

What is Acceptance?

The dictionary defines acceptance as “the willingness to tolerate an unpleasant or difficult situation.”

This is a different definition than the one I originally subscribed to, which is, “Agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation.”

I always thought I had to agree with something in order to accept it. Turns out this is not the case. When I think about accepting things by order of this new definition, I find unpleasant and difficult situations to be more bearable. It’s all about perspective.

An attitude of acceptance benefits me by helping keep my mindset in the positive. This has a direct effect on my serenity. It helps keep feelings of disappointment at bay. Knowing that things will work out, and keeping an open mind for when they don’t go as planned helps keep me from entering that awful downward spiral of worry, remorse, regret, and anger.

By keeping my mindset in the positive I’m better able to see different viewpoints and perspectives, and I’m able to see when expectations aren’t met there can be alternatives just as viable if I open my mind. Again, it’s all about perspective.

For me, acceptance goes with positivity, and it helps keep me active and engaged in life at a level that makes arduous times more tolerable. It takes away the fear component and allows me to view things more objectively.

The Difference

In my life, the difference between expectation and acceptance is the difference between anger and happiness. Angst and peace. Self-will and open-mindedness. Idealism and reality.

Do I want to be right? Or do I want to be happy?

I’ve had to learn to accept and adapt to the world as it really is because in reality, things seldom turn out as expected. Sometimes they turn out better, sometimes worse. My happiness, I’ve discovered, comes from the journey, not the destination. The learning and growing involved with the journey come from action, not from paralyzation from fear of the unexpected.

I’ve had to go through a lot of pain and soul searching to realize that acceptance is much better suited for my inner peace and overall happiness than relying on expectations to come true.

~Thanks for reading

LC

**Go back to #4 and #6 after Acceptance

The Power of “The Pause”

Somewhere in my recovery I learned about a powerful tool that I like to call The Pause. I figured out, with some help, that I didn’t always need to reply with a quick snarky answer, or any answer at all in some cases. The Pause has kept me out of a lot of trouble since I started using it…

The trouble with it is actually remembering to use it. In the heat of the moment it’s easy for me to just blurt something out that may or may not be helpful or kind. I keep practicing though, pausing before I speak or act out, and it is now becoming almost second nature.

I try to ask myself and answer the 3 questions guaranteed to keep me in line:

1. Does it need to be said?

2. Does it need to be said now?

3. Does it need to be said by me?

When I’m irritated at a person or situation, the answer to all three of these questions is usually “no.” I can save myself a lot of grief later by utilizing The Pause and keeping my mouth shut now. The same principle can be applied to actions, not just words.

Another helpful set of questions I can ask myself before speaking that has been shared with me is T.H.I.N.K.

1. Is it True?

2. Is it Helpful?

3. Is it Inspiring?

4. Is it Necessary?

5. Is it Kind?

Practicing The Pause has helped make me a better person, and happier as well. It has enabled me to open my mind to other ideas because I’m not using my brain to quickly come up with a quick retort or snappy comeback.

The Pause has been an essential tool in my spiritual toolkit. It has saved me from having to make thousands of apologies and amends for my words and actions, and I’m sure it can do the same for you.

Just practice.